I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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