Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
