i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
