I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
