I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
