Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
