you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
