I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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