shes about as inviting as chlamydia
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
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