I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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