Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Randomize
