When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
