i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
