he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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