just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
zippers are such a cool invention
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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