i'm lost and i look like a hooker
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
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