I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
