Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
