omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
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