Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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