Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
