i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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