Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
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he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
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So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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