new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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