I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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