Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Randomize
