I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Randomize
