it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
