watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Less talking, more tequila
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
