Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
