I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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