He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
