the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Randomize
