If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
