there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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