when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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