So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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