Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
