I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
