Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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