we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
21 Bartenders That Are Definitely Winning At Their Jobs
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)