Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
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The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
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Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok