The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine