Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
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I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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