just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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