mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
MIDGETS
????
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Im part way to drunk.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Randomize
