you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
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Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
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The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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