my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
