the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Randomize
