then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
