the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
