Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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