you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
