We won't sleep together?
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
