I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
