Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
