Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Randomize
