I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
