We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
