I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
