My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
