Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
