just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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