from now on my penis is your penis
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
