Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
