Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
