Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
